Learning to Manage Anger

Many people have difficulty managing their angry feelings. This can lead to difficulties in their relationships and can even result in acts of aggression and physical violence. Needless to say, although aggression and violence can sometimes make us feel better in the short term, they will usually cause many more problems than they solve. Unhealthy anger often makes bad situations worse.

Before we begin learning how to manage our anger, let’s think about what causes it – where anger comes from. If we understand what anger is, how it begins, and the part we play in our angry feelings, we’ll be much better equipped to deal with unacceptable anger.

Anger is the result of two main factors. The first has to do with the physiological changes we experience in the body – the physiology of anger. This is exactly the same as the physiology of stress or anxiety – it’s only our thinking which makes the difference.

The second factor is concerned with our thoughts and expectations, the way we think about and interpret situations. The messages which we tell ourselves determine our response. This is the psychology of anger. The way we appraise (see) our environment at any given time is important in determining how we respond emotionally. If we appraise a situation positively, our response will be positive. Two people can appraise the same situation differently. Our feelings are very different. Our feelings are very personal and do not follow rules of logic. We can appraise the same situation differently at different times based on our feelings, current level of stress, and clarity of thought. Consequently, we can respond differently to the same situation.

For example if we see an adult punishing a child and we believe him to be right in doing so, we probably won’t get angry. On the other hand if we believe that he is being unfair or abusive, we may well become very angry indeed at the thought. It isn’t what happens that makes us angry so much as the way we think about what happens.
Many mental health providers would argue that all anger begins with blame. We get angry at something. It isn’t always easy to identify what we’re angry at, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t there. Usually the focus of our anger is obvious, but in some cases it takes a little work to find the root of our angry feelings.

There are three main areas to which we apply blame. These are:

1. Self blame
This type of blame not only leads to anger but also depression and a range of self-destructive behaviors, including heart attacks and strokes.

2. Blaming others
This type of blame can result in many forms of anger as well as a wide range of relationship difficulties. It may also lead to person-directed aggression and violence.

3. Blaming the ‘system’
By ‘system,’ we mean anything bigger than ourselves, from the laws of nature to the legal system. We get angry about things as simple as the weather, blaming the clouds for raining on us when they ought to have made way for the sun. Remember that word, ought, it’s one of a group of words, such as should or must, that we call imperatives. Without imperatives, there can be no blame, and without blame, anger cannot exist.

How to manage stress
Simplistic, fast, easy solutions to managing anger rarely are successful. The way one responds to stress, anger and anxiety is learned from his or her family of origin. Anger is a secondary emotion. Almost always, anger is preceded by frustration, stress, anxiety our depression. Therefore, learning to manage anger must be approached in a very structured manner with the help of a trained, certified anger management facilitator.

Anger is a normal human emotion rather than a pathological condition. Anger is not listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM IV) as a treatable illness. Therefore, counseling and/or psychotherapy is not the most effective response to unhealthy anger. Rather, an assessment at intake which measures the participant’s level of functioning in recognizing and managing anger, stress, communication, and emotional intelligence should be provided. The results of this assessment should determine the emphasis of the anger management classes which are designed to teach skills in those four areas.

To find a Certified Anger Management Provider in your area, visit the website of the American Association of Anger Management Providers or The Anger Management Resource Directory.

George Anderson, MSW, BCD, CAMF
Diplomate, American Association of Anger Managem
www.andersonservices.com