Cool Downs/Time-Outs in Anger Management

Anger management is a course that teaches skills in recognizing and managing anger, stress, emotional intelligence, and assertive communication. In many ways, learning the skills to manage anger is like learning to play basketball. Regardless of your knowledge of basketball, it is highly unlikely that you can play basketball without actually practicing.

When you're faced with conflict, it's OK to feel angry. Remember that you have control over how you display and handle your anger. If you begin to feel out of control, it is wise to take a time-out to cool down and think about the situation and your actions. Also keep the following suggestions in mind:

Recognize when your anger is escalating to a problematic level. It may help to recognize where you feel the anger. For example, where does your body tense when you get angry? Use this as a signal to yourself to step back. Anger must be talked out -- not acted out physically.

Think positively. Positive thoughts may help you calm down. Begin a dialogue with yourself. Question the reasonableness of your anger.

Decide to take a break. Let the other person know that you need to step away from the situation. Remember to use "I" statements, such as, "I need to cool off," rather than "you" statements, such as, "You need to cool off."

Use time-outs carefully. Remember that time-outs should not be used as a way to run away or avoid problems in intimate relationships, nor should they be used to punish the other person by your withdrawal. When you need a time-out, let the other person know you intend to return to the issues at hand in a specified amount of time. Say, "I'll be back in 20 minutes, and then we can talk about this more calmly." By letting the other person know you'll be back, you can avoid triggering any fears of abandonment. Of course, make sure you do return to the issues at hand. Or, if you decide you're ready to talk right then, explicitly signal to your partner that you're willing to resume discussion.

Think about your actions. Will acting out your anger really serve your long-range plans? Is it really what you want to do and say? How you decide to act on your anger will affect your life -- either positively or negatively.

Consider joining an anger management course.

George Anderson, BCD, MSW, CAMF